Dear useless motherfucker ruining my sleep Dude Who Lives Upstairs:
RE: Noise Disturbance At 5 O’Clock In The Fucking Morning
Look, most of the time you are nice and we tolerate each other. When a hurricane beckons you knock and let me know that you have extra supplies and you would be willing to share if we run out. You offered your place as refuge that one time it was flooding and water was sloshing around the patio and threatening to flow into the apartment. We greet each other, exhange pleasantries and random stories and nod hello to each other when we meet in the outside world.
Cos we live in a “scratch my back I scratch yours” kinda environment we let some things slide. I say nothing about the thump thump thump that I hear when you are dancing? killing roaches? in the dead of night and you don’t report me when me and my friends get a litte rowdy during the weekends. I don’t roll my eyes when one of your girlfriends makes small talk when we meet and she goes on and on about how awesome you are when the day before I had exhanged pleasantries with yet another woman who is under the illusion that she is your one and only. That’s why when I come home a abit inebriated and me and my peeps go bombs away in the pool at 4.30 in the morning you let it slide and don’t report me to the leasing office for noise violations.
I’m not sure why you have all these women swarming around you – are your private bits made out of tiramisu? Are your bodily fluids composed of caffeine? I don’t know, that’s your business. All I’m going to say is start making plans to copyright your shit and start selling your mojo by the bucketful. The squeak squeak squeak and that one woman who is a screamer has everyone in a two apartment radius knowing your name and reaching for a cigarette after some of your sessions.
You know what’s unnaceptable? You not keeping your schedule straight and having girlfriends bumping into each other at 5 in the morning. Cos I was woken up by glass being smashed everywhere, shouting and screaming and when I turned on my pation light y’all had moved your discussion to the steps and weaves were being pulled. The grandma who lives next door, bless her cookie distributing heart, was freaked out enough to call the cops. Lights were coming on all over the complex as you tried to separate the two. Folks were too stunned to do anything when the one in a nurse’s uniform when to the parking lot and started busting up your car. Maybe she had a shit day and finding another woman with you was just the last straw and she had had enough. Not than anyone would have stopped her: a woman wielding a tire iron should not be messed with.
Do you know how hard it is for me to find sleep? Most nights I clock in four or five hours if I’m lucky which is why I’m not a morning person – when I get out of bed I’m pissed that my body has refused to indulge me and that nothing I do will make me doze off again. At the time of the ruckus I was in hour six. That’s right. This was one of the few nights that I had spent ages preparing for – long bath, herbal tea, the soothing sound of BBC radio in the backgroud … today is going to be a bitch of a day and you and your drama ruined what was supposed to be good night’s sleep. Fuck you and your wanna be player ways. Now I have to sweep glass of my patio, listen to the clomping of HPD up and down the stairs as they try to gather stuff for their incident report and sulk cos chances that I will have a 6th hour of sleep tonight is just a rumour.
And, scratch that idea of having a patent pending on your mojo. There are plenty of single people in this world who get laid without having to promise the world to the object of their lust. Don’t let the romance movies and stereotypes fool you – there are plenty of women willing to fuck just as long as you are upfront with them. The drama only begins when you try to be smart and do stupid teenage shit like saying it’s the two of you forever and kumbe the only forever you mean is from the time you unwrap the condom until the moment you cum. Your game is weak! If they don’t kick you out for being in violation of your lease I’ll (and I’m sure everyone else who was up and pissed) will give you a few tips on how to handle your business without it resulting in two crazed women running amok at the crack of dawn and waking us all up. The only upside to this is that I saw the Indians with their high tech night vision having camera filming. At some point this week I’ll have to ask them if they got anything I missed. I won’t be doing it out of malice. It’s a learning experience at the very least on things I will never do lest shit hits the fan.
Your Mostly Pissed But Increasingly Amused Downstairs Neighbour.
Ladies! Haven’t you ever heard of the term chicks before dicks? Why are you fighting each other and he is the one who hatched the evil scheme to two time you? Actually there is a number three but those are details you won’t appreciate hearing right now. It boggles the mind – I would have understood ganging up on him (not co signed it, but understood it nontheless) but on each other? No need! Despite him having the magic stick methinks y’all can do better and get your whatever on elsewhere.