Thoughts on Being a Wendy

Well lookie here. I was going through my documents file and I found a post I had started and then totally forgotten about (I blame that on the fact that I have the attention span of a housefly). I actually don’t remember it being this long cos I could swear I spent at most 20 minutes on it. Anyhoo. I’ve added a few things here and there but mostly its being posted as is. I may change my mind on some of the conclusions I have come to later because this was written in the spur of the moment. Also I haven’t read this in a while so some of the details I remember are a bit murky. On to the ramblings!

I was reading a post by the awesome Kaasa (I lurk there a lot but I absolutely love some of the insights that she has) and reading it was interesting but it is the comments that really got me thinking.

Also, Peter Pan existed (it could be argued) largely ’cause Wendy and Tinker Bell indulged him.

and

We attract that which we emanate, period.

Contrary to what a guy friend told me about that post, it had nothing to do with bashing men and everything to do with discussing a certain type of man a lot of women (and men, here I don’t discriminate :-)) have come into contact with, whether having grown up with them, being in a relationship with them or just generally in life. This disclaimer is necessary, cos some of y’all read posts and leave comments in my Facebook inbox or via I.M bitching about random things so this is just me saving you some time. Lakini sign up for an account and/or comment here or something, don’t be shy!

Reading those two statements really made me wonder about a lot of the things that have happened this year and a lot about myself. One, I discovered that all my actions point to the fact that when it comes to relationships I really am a Wendy and/or a Tinkerbell. Probably a combination of both with more of the former being a factor. Two, if I really do attract what I emanate, what in the world am I putting out there? Recent events that read like an episode arc from the Bold and the Beautiful made me step back and really evaluate what exactly is going on.

Here’s the thing about being involved with a Peter Pan – he is one fun dude. Once you help him reattach his shadow (i.e help him get over some hurdle in his life or whatever) it’s a whole new experience with filled with adventure and excitement where you are the focus. See, he needs you and some things just can’t get done without you. For a while at least, you are in a fantasy world and things are perfect. You forget, or don’t see, that he is Peter Pan for a reason – he never grows up and has the emotional maturity of a teenager waay after he is supposed to have evolved.

After a while though, Neverland kinda sucks. It’s all good for him because after all, it is his world and you are supposed to play by his rules. Queries about any state of affairs you think need addressing will be rebuffed with a “it’s just the way things are, I can’t help it”.  

Translation: look, things are fine. I’m cool, I don’t see what you are going on about. You go sort yourself out and then come back when you are ready to fit into my world and play by my rules.

Justification will be given for maltreatment repeatedly and in the most baffling ways. And god forbid you actually want to have serious conversations that are not Neverland related. Somewhere in the course of the conversation it will become all about him and relationship issues are put to the side, let alone times when you need support when you are going through something. Some days you may hear the “it’s because I love you so much and that’s why I hurt you” speech which is just … yeah.There is also the classic response which is just silence that you are meant to interpret and then proceed to fix through the process of osmosis or something.

Translation: What, you want us to talk this out? Really? Cos I sure as hell don’t feel like. Serious conversations where I have to take into consideration the feelings of others are not my thing, sorry.  ME! ME! ME! If it’s not about me then whatever, dude. What do you mean you have feelings too? OMG you mean you actually want me to put some effort into this shit and actually talk to you about … stuff? That’s not about me? You’re ruining EVERYTHING! *spying a new potential Wendy* You seem nice, be with me. That other woman (sucking teeth) with all the questions and demands …. (sighing heavily) … only you can help me. Please? I promise it will be fun and I’ll show you the time of your life. *cue puppy dog eyes*

Hehe. That was one long translation. Lakini anyone who knows me is aware of my tendency to be long winded and lack of ability to summarize. Anyway. On and on it goes.  The Wendy speaks up or gets frustrated and Peter dismisses her. It either goes one of three ways, Wendy leaves and a replacement for her is found, she stays and attempts to evolve herself and their interaction and he just wanders off and finds another playmate or they both stick to the role playing as long as it benefits them both.

Some people reading this would wonder, why would a person stay and put up with all that nonsense? Find a real man, they exist and are not as few as the rumours say they are! Thing is though, as easy as it is to rag on the Peter Pans of this world, something is fundamentally dysfunctional with both him and the woman who hangs around despite the realization that something about their being together disconcerts her. That sometimes is the hardest thing to face up to because as tiresome as being in that relationship is one can always choose to walk away. He tells you and shows you he is unwilling to accommodate you in the slightest and reminds you constantly that you are on a precarious pedestal and one wrong move on your part and the magic will be gone and yet you stay put. If walking away from Neverland is incomprehensible despite the fact that it has lost its luster then something is wrong. At some point you have to admit that yes, that pedestal you are up on appeals to you on some level and not being on it or in on the fun scares you and that’s why you remain. Am I saying its healthy? No. Can I relate on multiple levels? Absolutely.

Most Wendys get sucked in and (sometimes) stay because they are capable of sustaining that symbiotic relationship. For some, that works for them, they are happy to put their significant other first and take on the role of caretaker and fixer upper. Those who find that they aren’t up to the challenge or don’t meet the high standards either have to ‘fess up to themselves about their own role in the entire debacle or risk falling into a cycle of dealing with an endless stream of Peter Pans for the rest of their lives.

Peter Pans do sometimes grow up. At some point most of them just evolve past the navel gazing or find a woman who helps him jump past that final hurdle into emotional adulthood. It’s not all doom and gloom, people do change. As for those who don’t god help the women who sustain their world view or help them along the process because I discovered I don’t have it in me anymore. It’s exhausting and not sustainable at all. Worst of all, it’s always your fault on some level and then you are portrayed as the harpy who just wouldn’t let him be free and wouldn’t accomodate the nice, fun guy. Not. Happening.

So, I parted ways with one Peter Pan earlier this year, almost ended up with another this summer. It was all in fun, this fling and part of my single and loving it tour of ’09. As things got more serious there was an incident and I was like uhm, I think you crossed a line there. Answer? It’s just the way I am, I can’t help it. The déjà vu started kicking in. A few weeks later, same line was crossed and the explanation was its because he cares so much and that’s why he does the things he does. No apology, no acknowledgement of how his actions might affect me or others just a statement. Anyone who was taking a walk through my mind at that moment would have seen whistles blowing, alarm bells ringing, smoke signals being sent, the works. Different situation, different man, same responses. I was dealing with yet another Peter Pan so I slowly backed away and broke into a sprint as soon as I was round the corner. Well, not literally but you get my drift. I guess my Wendyism ran far deeper than I thought. It was back to evaluating what I was emanating.

One thing does give me pause and make me smile though. Wendy left Neverland, never to return.* Here’s hoping I never go back either.

*Lets forget the part of the book where Wendy goes back to Neverland for spring cleaning purposes and her daughter Jane eventually ends up there. It will mess with my moment 🙂

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8 Comments

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8 responses to “Thoughts on Being a Wendy

  1. Dee

    I’ve been called out so take the bait and comment here for once. My name is Dee and I am a recovering Wendy. It took me 7 years and one horrendous engagement to realize break my addiction. I was the QUEEN of Wendyism, m’gosh you have no idea. The ex fiance was a darling when the charm was turned on but when he wasn’t catered to the silent treatment and moods were just insane. The dramatics that led to our break-up were just stupid. Jamaas and ujinga of silent treatment instead of manning up and speaking your mind and then blaming you for it can make you a believer in revenge. I amuad to just enjoy the freedom of having broken the cycle and found a nice jamaa past his Peter Pan storos. I dig the Neverlandese. I’ll be back to add mre terms and translations. The ones you have are funny because they are true.

    • She lives! I was wondering what it took to get you on here.

      I’ve just accepted that I acknowledge the Wendy inside me and figure out how to banish her for good. I have been having multiple lightbulb moments recently and having been with a Peter for ages and then one more close call (actually two but the other one I refuse to admit, even on a semi anonymous blog, hehe) I figured it was time to reevaluate some things. I won’t be with someone just for the sake of things or expectations.

      The dramatics are always LOL worthy in retrospect. But you are right, once you get over it the break free from the dysfunction its like a fog has been lifted or something. Thus why this summer has been my best ever – alot went wrong and it didn’t start off on the right foot but boy did I make up for it once i got my head on straight.

      Ha, Neverlandese! I like that, though I wonder what Wendy’s version would sound like … I’ll leave that to akina you who are further along the path than I am.

  2. crystalsimeoni

    Such a brilliant post…I don’t even know how to put a comment. Yes…Neverland and being Wendy!…But then I ask myself sometimes…when are you sooo taken into this Wendyness that you forget there is another you – a more together you. Because sometimes you over characterize and you can’t even see the problem to be able to solve it. But yes, I have had my Wendy moments where even a blink on your little pedestal has the whole darn contraption swaying and this person doesn’t even realise it’s swaying. Ok, enough with the babbling…

    • I know! That’s part of the problem, sometimes it overwhelms you and you forget that there are other roles that you play, healthier and more benefitial ones that dont suck. Or that you are playing the role even when not with Peter and thats even more frustrating cos 1. they don’t have you on that pedestal and it unnerves you 2. they think you are a bit loopy. Yeah, sometimes we need to take a step back to figure out exactly whats going on.

  3. Sandy

    I almost did a TL;DR on this. Almost. This was most illuminating to read mija, it explains alot. I’m more of a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde kind of woman and I cannot really contribute so my question is this. In your interpretation how does Tiger Lily fit into all of this? And I want to add that having a Wendy for a friend is most frustrating. She will always tell you things like “You do not know him like I do” and “He does not always treat me this bad and things will get better”. It is always clear that they are in denial even though they do not realize it. Change is possible so do not give up hope, it is the course of life

    • TL; DR? Surely you jest! Also, haha mija, being friends with a Wendy is difficult? Tell us how you really feel … 🙂 I have said those things and more so I can’t really object that much.

      Man, i had forgotten all about Tiger Lily. For sure now I have to get to reading the book again cos that had not even crossed my mind. Will give it some thought.

  4. Kipepeo

    Wendy soundtrack!!!

    • this song and its few words are like all my relationships summed up with a catchy tune to boot. where was this song when i was in the throes of my wendyism? ok, now to find the anti wendy song!

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