Tag Archives: Love

The Haunting or “Get Thee Behind Me Satan” Moments

listening to: Les Jumo Selsao – Zoomer

Someone I know went through a break up recently and she mentioned how she cant seem to be able to shake memories of her ex. Its not that she wants the dude back, just that there seem to be reminders of him everywhere. Add that to the fact that they live pretty much in the same neighbourhood and that they have the same friends (after several years of being together, that kind of happens on its own) she has resorted to calling these kind of encounters “The Haunting”. No matter how hard she tried her ex inadvertently keeps popping back into her life and she’s not at the point where it doesn’t annoy her – she cant ignore it and the ghosts of relationships past are not yet hilarious in a “ thank god I know better now” or “what in the world was I thinking?” kind of way.

For me these moments were where I would, in a knee jerk kind of way, go “get thee behind me satan!” (hello religious upbringing :-D).  Usually what brought this rebuke forth was listening to my iPod or turning on the radio or watching music on tv … you get the idea. Thing is, everyone I have known for a certain period of time get two things from me – a nickname (whether you may know of it or not I give you one) and a bunch of songs that remind me of said person. The longer I know someone, the longer the list of musical reminders gets. And after a break up it can become tiring and boring and just plain irritating.

So there I would be with my headphones in my ear walking someplace and Jill Scott would start playing and without even thinking I would blurt out “spineless fucker!” and skip to the next song. Or maybe I would have pressed the shuffle button and then got to doing some housework and Slow Flow comes on and I would turn the air blue with curses about “that controlling bastard”. Raindrops would only give me shudders of revulsion instead of inspiring those impromptu dance parties I keep telling everyone makes a good situation great or make a bad day better.

It was getting to be a problem so I created a ‘do not play” playlist and added to it every time I felt spontaneous outbursts coming on. I got tired of getting strange looks from passers by or anyone who was in my presence when I was trying to exorcise my demons. That was only part of the solution though. There was the gritting of teeth when people would ask you “what happened between you two” and you choose the it-didn’t-work-out-and-we-moved-on route and he took the please, cry for me Argentina because I’m so complicated and damaged road.

Doesn’t it suck when you have a strict no airing of dirty laundry in public/no sharing of sordid details with mutual friends and others don’t? There’s that saying about words swallowed never hurt a person but wow, is that ever hard to put into practice when you so want to put the record straight lakini realise that in doing so you will become petty and immature. It’s always a balance between telling yourself that you must absolutely be all zen and shit and maybe getting an ulcer.

Where was I? Oh right. There is also going to happy hour and having the bar tender repeatedly ask whatever happened to the fun guy who you used bring along (and here I thought they were supposed to be the best at getting casually dropped hints or realizing that some things you don’t want to talk about). Worse still is finding things that belong to him where you live – shirts that still smell of him in the depths of your closet, that something that you spotted online that you knew he would like finally being delivered to your mailbox. The thing with a relationship is that even after it’s over it’s the little things that keep jolting you back even when you are so ready to put it behind you and move on already.

And the one thing no one wants to hear is that it will take time for those moments not to feel like you are being spanked with a cactus and that your heart is breaking a little bit all over again. Mention that to anyone in the throes of being haunted and you will get eyes rolled at you and those little sighs that dismiss you as someone who has been watching too much Oprah and reading too many self help books. But it’s true. Either that or all the little rituals you have acquired to avoid being reminded of your ex will get tiring and a little ridiculous and you will wonder why in the world you are exerting so much energy over someone that you have already written off.

One day, I realized that my “do not play” playlist had a ridiculous amount of music that I actually liked and missed listening to. Probably because there was a time when I started adding entire Maxwell, The Roots and Steel Pulse albums to it along with lots of individual songs that just kept adding up until the list had spun out of control. Clearly I wasn’t going to never listen to this Ledisi song again or this Tony Rich Project one or this one or this other one …. a lot of those songs I liked before I knew any of those people. So I reclaimed my playlist back. And it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Instead of thinking spineless fucker it was now Peter Pan, controlling bastard became Gaston and the dude formally referred to with gagging and dry heaving became Muttley. Clearly a sign that I was mellowing out, especially when “get thee behind me satan” moments became punch lines instead of times that I wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear.

So yes, as much as it sucks being told so, time will help. It’s why everyone keeps saying so over and over again. There will be no magic moment and it won’t be spontaneous. If you feel yourself stuck in limbo distraction is key. Use the time wisely like spur of the moment dance parties in your room, get a hobby or finding new ways to drink vodka or whatever rocks your boat. Just remember to focus on the moving on part.

Advertisements

5 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

All We Need Is Love

“I’m FILLED with Christ’s love! You are just jealous of my relationship with the Lord!”

The above quote is from the movie “Saved!” which I had the pleasure of rewatching this past weekend. It pretty much sums up part of my conversation with someone who told me that I would go to hell for being an enabler of “the homosexuals.” That my soul is in peril for not condemning “unnatural” behaviour and when I said that since the key word in Christianity is Christ to show me where Jesus is against gay people … well, read the quote above. The only thing missing for it to be life imitating art is if she had thrown a bible at me and attempted to perform an exorcism. Oh, and apparently I should be more careful about voicing my support for the LGBT community since folks might reckon I am “one of them.”

I wont even go into the issue of someone speculating on the state of my soul or my spiritual life when we could be at best be considered casual acquaintances. What I do find unsettling is people justifying their bigotry by hiding behind bible verses. This pick and chose nonsense is what irks me. If you are going to quote me the laws book of Leviticus and the least you can do is prove to me that you are pro killing people who do not observe the Sabbath, that when you own a shamba somewhere you will not plant two different crops on the plot and that all clothes you own are not made from two different types of thread. There’s more, though none spring to mind at the moment. Point is, some “Christians” have the uncanny ability to ignore what they consider to be the outdated parts of the bible (yeah, cos slavery though sanctioned isn’t thought to be cool anymore) until a debate like this comes up and then all of a sudden they are literalists and can start chanting those bible verses as a way of justifying their homophobia. You cant have it both ways.

“Two Kenyan men wed in London”

The newspaper article that brought to light a whole lot of foolishness. I read the article and I knew the comment section would be full of gay bashing, irrationally paranoid, pontificating folks. I had planned to blog about it and then I actually read the comments. I was left speechless, I really was (anyone who knows me and my ability to be long winded and babble on about nothing for long periods of time knows this doesn’t happen very often). Though there are comments in support of the newly weds there are a lot more going on and on about how to “be ware of men who braid their hair and wear earrings” cos that is a path to gayism. Speculation as to what their sex lives must be like. Blaming the “west” and its propaganda for homosexuality. Hoping that the two men face the same fate as Sodom and Gomorrah (how very Christian of them). Pseudo science about how being gay might be genetic but it’s obviously a biological malfunction and thus LGBT folks should be classified as disabled. This is just a sampling, there is much much more at the link.

I’m not under any illusion that Kenya as a society (this includes those in the diaspora) isn’t generally homophobic – there is no doubt in my mind about that. That doesn’t mean that I will use that as an excuse and hide behind that veil under the impression that “its just the way things are and how they should remain.” The obsession with what individuals do with their lives just because they are of a different sexual orientation is one that needs to end – as long as it is between two consensual adults and its safe what exactly is the problem? Pili pili usioila yakuwashia nini?

Slap gays” and “exerting masculinity and standing up to be counted”

Via twitter, I happened upon a podcast and following that a blog post that said that two radio presenters, Nick and Marcus from Classic FM, were generally, gay bashing and specifically advocating for slapping gay people.

… I don’t even know where to begin. Caroline Mutoko (Kiss FM) when contacted for info so that those who found the conversation tasteless and inciting violence could coney their dismay said that … well, I’ll just post her email, and that of one of the dj’s cos there is so much wrong with what they said its hard to paraphrase.

Dear Paula;
Please find Marcus’s response below and I have listened back to the session and wile I accept that they had too much of a good
Time, at the expense of the gay people amongst us, they handled the issue pretty well.

Let’s also not be pretentious, this is Kenya and we are more homophobic that any other nation in the region.
Marcus and Nick are simply exerting their masculinity above all other men and standing to be counted.
The majority of their audience expect nothing less and yes the majority of their audience is the average Kenyan
who finds the whole gay marriage issue unpalatable.

Caroline Mutoko.

—— Forwarded Message
From: Marcus Kwikiriza
Date: Tue, 27 Oct 2009 15:20:10 +0300
To: Caroline Mutoko <
Subject: RE: Gay bashing on Classic FM MUST STOP

Well, I guess they are listening.

Plus the question was, Is it a natural thing(which we shall respect) or is it ujinga that can be cured by a slap? It was a question opened to the public. She could have called and given her two cents……FYI

Exerting masculinity? Is Caroline Mutoko aware that this is the excuse given to justify raping lesbians to “teach them a lesson” and to “cure” them? Is she aware that violence against the LGBT community is sometimes as a result of exertion of said “masculinity”? Does her co-signing Nick and Marcus’ topic of discussion mean that she is fine with this kind of behaviour and it is normal because Kenya and other nations are homophobic? And what in the hell does “standing up to be counted” mean anyway – its like she is implying that the presence of gay people in this world makes the two presenters feel less manly and their diatribe of hate is justified.

Marcus’ response isn’t any better. Reveling in the fact that outrage means people are listening and saying that it was merely an inquiry into whether being gay is something that can be cured by slapping does not exonerate him in the least. What pisses me off is how blasé  they were about the whole incident and dismiss gay Kenyans as less than human so its okay to have a little “fun” at their expense and ask if slapping someone will change their sexual orientation. This dehumanizing of human beings makes it that much easier to spread hatred. The people who make up the LGBT community are not aliens from outer space. They are our brothers, our sisters, our mothers and fathers, our friends, our relatives … not so easy to ask if being gay can be slapped out of someone when it might be someone you care about, is it? It certainly isn’t my idea of a fun time – I generally don’t advocate violence towards my fellow human beings and if others are okay with the idea of having a loved one slapped silly then there is more wrong with them than finding homosexuality unsettling.

SILENCE IS CONSENT

Statistically speaking, most people already know a gay person even though they may not be out. By virtue of the large extended families most Kenyans belong to (your mother’s cousin’s niece’s stepchild is still your relative) chances are you are related to one. Is it any wonder that some lead double lives when they hear people discuss them like they are some sort of anomaly and less than human? When violence against them is only discussed when people casually discuss if its okay to use it to “change their ways”? That their worth as human beings is so little that they can be in the same breath, vilified for simply living their lives and dismissed as being worth nothing?

The danger of a single story is one that we must actively push back against. Write/call to the presenters and let them know that hatred against fellow Kenyans will not be tolerated. Speak up when folks around you speak of LGBT people like they are sub human or beneath them. And for goodness’ sake, don’t go around calling things you don’t like “gay’ or saying “no homo” all the time – its not edgy, its ignorant and not to mention stupid.

Homosexuality is not unnatural. What is unnatural is sexual violence against children and women. Unnatural is politicians who fuck up our country and then pretend that its for our own good. Unnatural is people going hungry and dying in a country that is as blessed as Kenya. Unnatural is hatred toward our fellow human beings who think, feel, cry, laugh, love and live just like we do. If you are lucky and have someone in your life who loves you just as you are go and give them a hug.- if there is anything this world can use more of, its love.

*Many thanks to Paula Kahumbu for bringing this story to the attention of many and speaking out against hatred.

10 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized